I have faced many challenges with obtaining my own SRS, but the fault is all mine. My Doctors are wonderful and are doing everything they can to help cure me of this gender dysphoria. My delay is due to having a heart attack nine months ago. SRS is considered an "Elective" surgery and while I disagree, well, it is what it is! I worry frequently, every day, that I could have another heart attack and be forever disqualified from this life saving operation.
 
Perhaps, my situation, is part of the reasons that suicide rates are so high among transgender peoples. You see, Gender Dysphoria is very extreme for me because I have already had the top surgery and an Orchiectomy so I need the SRS to finish my body so that it matches my mind. I would love to be able to wear a Bikini, G String and other such lingerie, but my primary reason for desiring SRS is to make my body match my mind. I do not want to be stuck for the rest of my life as a she-male. My birth defect no longer functions due to my Orchiectomy and this gives me incredible frustrations since I can not receive sexual pleasures. One of my dreams is to experience the feeling of being penetrated and to have a woman's orgasm. Even more importantly is being able to give my lover a "complete woman".
 
So even though SRS is most important to me I am having to look at the possibility of not getting it and this has put me into a very deep depression. I do not want to live with my birth defect. I genuinely and sincerely need the proper genitalia. SRS would give me renewed hope and a much better life. I pray that the good Lord has this in mind for me. His plans are perfect and everything happens for a reason so hopefully, somehow, I will survive.
 
Now, I am not giving up, oh no! I am working out at Planet Fitness and I intend to be in the best shape of my life for this surgery. It's all up to me and I am trying my best, but sometimes the depression just gets to be too much for me and I turn to drugs and alcohol as a temporary escape. One thing for sure is that with all the stress I have gone through, I would have already had a heart attack if I was going to have one. I remain determined and committed to make my dream come true even though I aint getting any younger. Now is the time! Please Lord!
 
So how to cope with the uncertainty and depression? Many T girls, and I say T girls lovingly because I prefer T girl over transgender, Many T girls are facing similar dilemas with their own SRS. Some have medical problems, financial problems, doctor problems. Many reasons why us girls are denied SRS. One of my best friends might not ever get her SRS because of her medical problems and she would be happy just to be on HRT. I admire her so much. I feel you girls' pain and I hope we all make it, but what if some of us don't?
 
Now, I reason that I could continue wearing my gaffs and hopefully, due to my Orchiectomy, my birth defect will shrink making it even less noticeable. I love skirts and long dresses any ways, and these styles do a good job of hiding my....thing. 
 
Regading Sexual Pleasures, well, I have lived without an orgasm for two years now. I have very little interest in sex, other than to please my partner. These days I am content with a nice back rub and being held. Seriously! 
 
I have completed the other gender confirming surgeries, as well as Changing my Name and Sex on everything. In the beginning, I never thought I would make it this far,but I did! On a dime and a prayer as I always say. My point is to never give up and I remain determined and committed, but some times I do get scared. Very scared that for whatever reason, I will not get SRS.
 
Sisters of the Moon! I am so proud of you for being on the front lines with me every day! For us all being true to ourselves and for living the dream! I know it is not easy. The harrassment and discrimination. The mean looks and mis-gendering. The dangers and stress.
 
For the haters. Please try to understand that T girls are just trying to live their lives and be themselves. We are some of the sweetest girls you will ever see and we do not wish any harm on anyone. We do not have a mental illness! This entire transgender topic is simply a matter of the mind not matching the body. DNA, Chromosomes and whatever else are not the issue. The birth defect is! Since I do not harrass you over your jeans not covering your ass or your poor hygeine or any of a large list of items....please do not harrass me. Let me live. I mean you no harm. And by the way. since I am not sleeping with you why should you care about what is between my legs??
 
For the religious. If you come at me with a Bible then I will quote Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  The Native Americans called their transgender people "Two spirits" and they were revered, not hated. When I "came out" to my previous landlord he told me that I was going to go to Hell! What makes him the Judge?? I am secure in knowing that God loves me and that my Transgenderism is a challenge that he put into my life plan. No. I am not worried about going to Hell. Forget about it!
 
For the Men. I know that many of you have a fetish for T girls. Rest assured that you are not Gay. Your fantasy can cum true if you treat a T girl like a Lady and YES! This means a proper date, not a beer inside the cab of your dirty pick up truck! Make that T girl feel special and she will rock your world! 
 
For the Cisgender women. We are not a threat to your femininity! I am sure that some of us might look outrageous in our clothing and makeup choices, but please be kind. I would greatly appreciate your critiquing of my appearance instead of just a mean look! I will smile at you any way! You will find me very easy to talk to, so please, engage me and tell me whatever I am doing wrong. For many years now I have searched for a Mentor of my Femininzation. A woman that would help me with my makeup, hair, clothes, everything! My wife died from cancer about a year and a half ago. She was my mentor, but ever since then I have been on my own. Lost and confused, but trying my very best to present as a woman. You know it's not easy and you know how important "Appearance" is so please take a minute or two of your time and suggest improvements to the T girls you might come in contact with. Your advice might just keep a T girl from being harrassed or murdered. In 2017, advocates tracked at least 28 deaths of transgender people in the United States due to fatal violence, the most ever recorded. These victims were killed by acquaintances, partners and strangers, some of whom have been arrested and charged, while others have yet to be identified. 
 
This year the count is already at eight so 2018 might surpass last year, and I hope it doesn't. These girls were human beings with feelings, desires and ambitions. They did not deserve their fates. So I am always watching my back and am very nervous most of the time in public, but I smile and try to appear confident. I try to live. That is all. I hope we all get what we need. That's what the Rolling Stones sang about and I am a Rock and Roll kind of Woman!

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